Monday, April 07, 2008
7 April 2008, Monday
i love you ; mummyits a habit of me to bottle all my feelings up.keep everything to myself.sometimes i just don't want to share.because i don't want others to worry.i want to have a strong image infront of them.especially towards my mummy...i really don't wish to become a burden to her.afterall i guess, i'm her most worried child among the four.when i'm the 3rd child... 17 soon.why?because i always put others before me.
because you can never hear me voice it out.
because i ultra blur, easy get cheated or bullied.because i will always be the one kana lu-gi in the end.
because i ultra slow learner, absorber, response-ner.
because i would rather wei qu zi ji, if can let the others happy.
because i ultra got no confidence, do everything also scared scared. because i am a person who will treat people around me, whole heartedly.because i don't know how to reject a person, even if i knew they are using me for their own benefits.
because.
because ya.
a weakling kampong kid.
frankly speaking, i'm really a nice person. ( as in if put it in a nice way)
blunt speaking, too simple minded.i will be and am greatful if you appreciate me as a friend and treat me with your genuine heart.
i know who are the ones ; the friends whom i called the treasures in my life.
i don't mind having just a few friends, as long as they are true to me...
they meant everything, seriously.
some for i knew, just treat me like a ball.
toss and throw.
only come and get me when you feel like playing a game or two.
sometimes i close an eye and let you be.
for i know, somehow fate brought us together.
i don't care how you guys treat me, used me, as long as i done my part as a friend.
i lived my life with no regrets to you, my friends.
sometimes i really wish to grow up. is not that i don't want too.is just that i...hais.i don't know how to explain myself.among the four of us,i'm the one that mummy tells me her every little things.her sad.her happy.her worries.her thoughts.her everything.i really don't wish to add on to all her troubles.sometimes even if she doesn't say, i can sense it.so i rarely talked back or confront her...even if i do so, probably is because i really don't wish her to carry on.or maybe i just can't control my emotions. stress up.but i respect her. verymuch. alotalot.she is just different from other mothers. most of the times, i think what she said, is true.makes alot of sense.all the times, i cried after her lessons.is not because she scolded me then i scared or what.but is i'm just upset and angry towards myself on why did i do this and make her angry?!i just want my mummy to be happy :Dif i need to sacrify something from myself, to keep her smile on her face and stay strong/healthy.i am willing to do the sacrifice.she is my real smile.she is my pillar of strength.she is the reason why i'm living.she is the one who gives me the courage and determination to move on in life.i know to others they might think, is she really so WOW ?!but to me, yes. erm no. she is ultra much more than a WOW !!!sometimes i will try to hide my feelings. hard enough.but i guess, she too, sense it.she knows i'm stress or have something troubling me.so she will do all sorts of funny things to make me hiccup a couple of HAHAHA xDshe is just soooo sweet.among the four of us.i'm the one who always get sick.since young i got sensitive skin.i nose bleed till lost count.my palms' skins peel off like twice.body muscle aches are like a daily routine.i vomits like anytime can happen kind of thing.now.sensitive skin is back again after four/five years.it got worsen.nettle rashes to some more jia lat nettle rashes.body muscles aches also become more jia lat kind - swell.alot of different rashes.
allergy to more food. seafood, chicken, bean stuffs...hais.alot of shits la. i will keep on smile and do all my best in my academic ; everything.
even if its ITE. i will be one of the best. no matter what i will try and give my best shot.
even if i don't achieve something from ITE, i will make sure i am still a good student, your filial daughter.i'm sorry, mummy.i didn't mean to fall sick and cause you all the unneccessary troubles.i will control my diet from now on. really.its an unbreakable promise.not just to stay fit and healthy.i also want to be a better person.i want to be a daughter, that you can be proud of.i really wish to shine and let you know that i can do it.i will not disappoint you anymore...for i am daddy and mummy's xin gan bao bei.
daddy, i miss you. alotalot.
this song "xin gan bao bei" is what i feel the message you left for us now.
"wei wo ni yao hao hao zi ji bao zhong sheng ti."
"xin gan bao bei, bu yao huai yi, zui ai jiu shi ni."
to me this song is not a love song between a boy and a girl.
i treat it as a father to his love ones song...
daddy, all the nicknames you used to call me, i bare them in mind.
i remembered every moments with you and the family.
you are forever live in my heart, don't go away ok? i love you, daddy.i really want the old times back.please, will time rewind?my memories are kept strong for the importance.what i do best, is cherish the treasures that i have.and this is the strength i am proud of...
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